Once is a just a question, a million is just offensive.
"Why is it hard for you to be single at least until you get married?"
I know the question was not directed to me but I read it on one of my Facebook friends' status. All I could answer (for myself) was
"I would if I could" or "If and only if".
I came to realize that I am not the only person who is pretty concern with my relationship. It could get worse, I know.
When the first question hits me, I was like "The time will come. Don't worry." Though I am pretty sure the time would be like another 4 to 5 years (?), maybe.
I've never really 'complain' publicly about this. Now, I just couldn't take it anymore. I wish, before anybody wants to rain me with similar question: PLEASE be in my shoes. I plead you.
(three period)
This is how I see things:
We couldn't because of 1. le scholarship, 2. le parents and 3. le money.
We must because of 1. God, 2. the period and 3. friends.
There are two ways to view this problem.
1. Study is more important than marriage.
2. Religion is more important than, well, anything else.
Take your stand and I'll do the explanation.
1. Study is more important than marriage.
True. I don't doubt this. If I am a mother, I'd want the best for my children's future. Especially my eldest child who is suppose to portray good example for the siblings. My mom is so much against early marriage. I am not sure about my dad but I think he takes mom's side on this. However, mom said to me there is an exception: if and only if you are studying abroad (read: overseas). This is quite explainable; mom and dad got married while studying in Canada. Anyway, I am studying local at my own choice (because I am simply too scared to live abroad) as well as, err, the guy.
Besides that, the guy is receiving scholarship which does not allow their receivers to get married during the contract term. Marrying me would risk his future in anyway I couldn't explain. Even trust wouldn't solve this problem. His parents are not going to allow him to take such risk - PLUS, he's also the eldest.
2. Religion is more important than, well, anything else.
True. I never doubt this. If I put everything together, supposedly there shouldn't be anything between us and the final decision. When a friend of mine stated,
"So sekarang syarat nak kahwin, bukan penerima scholarship tu lah?"
I could only laugh. Because I have no answer for that. It was sarcastic but I pretty much enjoy such sarcasm. I didn't take it as an offense, AT ALL but yes, it got me thinking.
We couldn't get married because of the scholarship (read: study). Now, the scholarship is everybody's priority and I couldn't defeat it. I must break this relationship. It was a huge mistake. But, wait, I came before the scholarship. Therefore, I am the priority. Oh no, I must not risk his future. The scholarship should stand ahead of me (you get it - it goes around and around until I fall asleep).
I am emphasizing this because I know where I stand. And I know where he stands. I know batasan pergaulan and suruhan agama. I see marriage as a noble and wise act - unlike some people who takes marriage as a burden for young people like me. I am not trying to be modest but as the eldest, I believe I am more capable in dealing with marriage than my parents. If I compare myself with them at my age, I can say that I am more stable and wiser. Sorry guys but I know you would agree on this. (Actually, this is the point where it saddens me - like I own the driving license but my parents don't trust me driving on the way back from Kedah even when both of them are sleepy).
(three period)
I must ask here. Please stop asking me about this. Please ask him or Him, instead. If everybody starts to push me, I will appear more needy - like I am so desperate to get married.
Yes, I am interested to be a young mother but no, I am not going to risk someone's future for the sake of my interest.
I am always at the edge where I wanted to break off the relationship or leave it hanging (Mom and friends are not going to be happy with the break up).
I guess I have nothing more to say.
I, intentionally, write this post long and in English because I was hoping readers will give up reading halfway through the post. If you are reading this, maybe this post is not long enough.
Til then, Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri.
True story.
footnote: I am sure this post will just initiate more rumors and questions but with all due respect, I'd prefer if he (or He) answers questions, regarding the stated matter, himself (or Himself). Thanks.
other-foot-note: Senangnya orang yang dah kahwin or takde bf/gf cakap macam tu kat kita. SOBS
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