19 June 2015

a eulogy

"Funerals are not for the dead. They’re for the living." 
- Hazel Grace, The Fault in Our Stars

"Don't pity the dead. Pity the living, and above all, those who live without love." 
- Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows

"Death ends a life, not a relationship."
- Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie

I am no longer surprised that I actually have read too many books about death. One time, I told Lokman about my weakness. And now, I am going to tell you the exact same thing. I often feel that it is rather easy for me to grab any word that I want and arrange them to make them sound beautiful or, better yet, more accurate. However, I can never ever in my whole entire life - even after five years of studying language - that I am able to put together a string of words to express sympathy.

My darling baby feline died yesterday approximately, 18th June 2015; 1st Ramadhan 1436.
She was last seen catching a frog early AM when my mother and sister were about to head to school. And she hadn't returned since, not for lunch nor for dinner. She loved her tuna - that is one thing we can all agree.

This morning, 19th June 2015, I woke up and showered feeling already burdened with thoughts of the missing fellow. So I got dressed and walked out in pursuit to find her. Within 10 minutes of searching, 
I found her under her favourite tree. 
The wind was blowing so I could see her fur waving about. She had ants and bugs around her but she looked like she was just sleeping - except that her face was facing the ground. 
I couldn't see her face and I am still glad I couldn't. 
I can't possibly imagine myself howling and probably fainting if I could see the look on her face.

My family agreed that she would be the last cat until we moved out of this house.
Thus why we refused to adopt any other stray cats since there are no one at home to look after them.

Donghae is what my family called her and mostly I address her as Aci or Bibijo. 
She was an independent cat yet super affectionate.
Three years ago, my sister's friend wanted to adopt a kitten so we took Bibijo from my mom's friend and kept her in our house. My sister's friend suddenly decided that he couldn't take the baby kitten. 
So from there on we adopted, kept and raised her. 

She was pregnant twice. Her first pregnancy was like teen pregnancy. Many of her babies couldn't survive and the surviving ones were given away because she couldn't manage them. Her second pregnancy was more matured and only a single baby - we named Baby D. But Baby D left us after a year and hadn't returned since. Finally there was only Bibijo and we decided to keep her as the last cat of the family. To avoid her from feeling unwanted, we never adopted any other cats. 

Bibijo stayed with us until the end.
She died within the compound of our house.
She was exceptionally loyal to us - always bring home presents and always greet us when we return home.
She was exceptionally affectionate - she sleeps with us and play with us and make the cute gestures or whatever.
She was exceptionally a good cat. The best company. Like the youngest child of this family.

Few days ago, I had in mind of how to dress her for my wedding.
And now those thoughts haunt me.

I do not expect any words of sympathy from anyone. Because I know there is no word for it.
To some of you, this maybe just a cat. To me, she is my sister and housemate. My darling.

I am glad to be the one who found you though it broke my heart terribly.
I am glad that you looked peaceful in your last moments.
I am glad you are gone in good terms.

I love you dearly. Goodnight, baby.